Essay Evaluation #1
Before feedback can be given on a peer’s writing, a reader must first ask him/herself: what should I comment on to make this writing better?
Directions: In order to practice identifying the strengths of weaknesses of a peer’s writing, read the following essay. Then, discuss your findings in the forum: Essay Evaluation #1. Write about the good/strong aspects of the essay and how it can be improved, but do not make direct comments to the author.
After you post your feedback, respond to at least two of your classmates’ posts. Did you comment on the same aspects of the essay? Do you agree with what your classmate wrote?
Essay: School Violence Not Decreasing
Prompt: According to the article, school violence, especially involving guns, is a major problem in the United States. Despite increased security, school violence is not decreasing, which makes many students afraid to attend school. In an essay of no more than two pages, discuss whether or not you feel safe in your own school. Then, present your ideas about how to make schools safer.
Some people talk school violence is a problem, but I do not agree. My school is safe everyday. I have never see violence in my school. I have been doing here for four years. Since I have never seen the violence, it cannot be a problem or getting worse. No one acts means me towards or bullies me or brings guns to school. I only see violence on TV or in games and read in articles in class. Talking about violence is a waste of time. Because it not a problem at my this school. But at some other schools of friends school school violence is a problem. The violence is not with gun though. It is with fighting in the hallways or people touching each other, when they don’t want to be touched. Someone wants something of someone else’s and they just go up to that people and touch them and try to take it away. Instead of asking nicely, they just try to take it that doesn’t work because you’re supposed to ask first and wish each other’s properties. This bad touching is called assault. If they take something it is called stealing.
My friend’s school has metal detects that students and teachers have to walk thru in order to get into class or the office, hallway. I do not know if my friend’s school has violence but probably no because violence doesn’t happen at my school and the metal detects any guns or knives or weapons that loose people will try to bring it. But metal detects are not always good to. They sometimes catch things that are not weapons like nails files and tools for shop class. But who wants to use those things anyways? My friend’s sister got her nails file taken away by the security guard. He was nice about it though he only said “we have to take this away because it is metal” and she gave it to him. But at the end of the day she got her nails file back. That her (and her nails) happy though.
I feel safety at my school because there is no violence. One time there was a fight in the cafeteria called a food fight. It started out fun with people throwing bananas and soft plates like discs round but then it got out in hand and a boy named Corey threw a Snapple bottle. It didn’t hit anyone but it HIT THE WINDOW AND BROKE THE WINDOW. Now we can’t have glass at a lunchtime anymore. But I still feel safe because this wasn’t a real fight with blood. It was a food fight.
My school does not need to be safer because it is already safe. We have cops and security that wear yellow shirts. They are very nice old guys that now a lot about the safety. I see them during the fire drills. My friend’s school has assault and there people shouldn’t touch keep other. Should make signs for their book bags that say “hands off”. My other friend’s school has metal detects that catch bad things from coming in the school. So they are safe too.
Directions: In order to practice identifying the strengths of weaknesses of a peer’s writing, read the following essay. Then, discuss your findings in the forum: Essay Evaluation #1. Write about the good/strong aspects of the essay and how it can be improved, but do not make direct comments to the author.
After you post your feedback, respond to at least two of your classmates’ posts. Did you comment on the same aspects of the essay? Do you agree with what your classmate wrote?
Essay: School Violence Not Decreasing
Prompt: According to the article, school violence, especially involving guns, is a major problem in the United States. Despite increased security, school violence is not decreasing, which makes many students afraid to attend school. In an essay of no more than two pages, discuss whether or not you feel safe in your own school. Then, present your ideas about how to make schools safer.
Some people talk school violence is a problem, but I do not agree. My school is safe everyday. I have never see violence in my school. I have been doing here for four years. Since I have never seen the violence, it cannot be a problem or getting worse. No one acts means me towards or bullies me or brings guns to school. I only see violence on TV or in games and read in articles in class. Talking about violence is a waste of time. Because it not a problem at my this school. But at some other schools of friends school school violence is a problem. The violence is not with gun though. It is with fighting in the hallways or people touching each other, when they don’t want to be touched. Someone wants something of someone else’s and they just go up to that people and touch them and try to take it away. Instead of asking nicely, they just try to take it that doesn’t work because you’re supposed to ask first and wish each other’s properties. This bad touching is called assault. If they take something it is called stealing.
My friend’s school has metal detects that students and teachers have to walk thru in order to get into class or the office, hallway. I do not know if my friend’s school has violence but probably no because violence doesn’t happen at my school and the metal detects any guns or knives or weapons that loose people will try to bring it. But metal detects are not always good to. They sometimes catch things that are not weapons like nails files and tools for shop class. But who wants to use those things anyways? My friend’s sister got her nails file taken away by the security guard. He was nice about it though he only said “we have to take this away because it is metal” and she gave it to him. But at the end of the day she got her nails file back. That her (and her nails) happy though.
I feel safety at my school because there is no violence. One time there was a fight in the cafeteria called a food fight. It started out fun with people throwing bananas and soft plates like discs round but then it got out in hand and a boy named Corey threw a Snapple bottle. It didn’t hit anyone but it HIT THE WINDOW AND BROKE THE WINDOW. Now we can’t have glass at a lunchtime anymore. But I still feel safe because this wasn’t a real fight with blood. It was a food fight.
My school does not need to be safer because it is already safe. We have cops and security that wear yellow shirts. They are very nice old guys that now a lot about the safety. I see them during the fire drills. My friend’s school has assault and there people shouldn’t touch keep other. Should make signs for their book bags that say “hands off”. My other friend’s school has metal detects that catch bad things from coming in the school. So they are safe too.
Remember to post your comments on the essay and your responses to at least two classmates' comments in the forum: Essay Evaluation #1.