Portraits of Mothers and Kiddos
Ever since this article was originally published in May for Mother’s Day, I have kept it around with the intention of sharing it with all of you. Fast track to two months later, I still find the images and their descriptions beautiful and appreciable. This is especially true since I am constantly examining my role as a mom-to-be, mom of a biological child and stepmother. I would also be remiss if I didn’t say “wife” because it is my husband whom deserves credit for making me a mom and also challenging me to remain as much of my “original self” as possible.
So, from the Washington Post are a series of black and white images and short captions depicting motherhood, or as the author puts it, “20 women with different stories, different paths to motherhood, different ways of being a mom.” Now that I write and reflect on this, I love how the women are described as just that – women, with “mom status” as one aspect of their important identities. This is exactly how modern moms yearn to be recognized, especially since we all have non-child related education, skills, talent and interest.
While the pictures are touching for anyone who identifies with the struggles and joys of being a mother (or even a parent), they are also celebratory of the various forms of motherhood, from pregnancy to single parenting to parenting a child with disabilities. In addition, the photos reflect mothers and children at various times and stages of life – from reading to small children to preparing to say goodbye before college. This was particularly impactful for me since I am currently unable to see the end of the infant/toddler stages of motherhood. But no matter how much I may wish the lack of sleep, spilled yogurt and potty-training days away, I know they will just be replaced with bigger problems such as driving and high-stakes testing. Ultimately when I look at these pictures, I am reminded that motherhood is a lifelong role and that every mother is just doing the best she knows how. She gives the most and best of herself as she can, every day. For me, that may mean the kids attend daycare for nine hours or eat three ice pops a day (on certain days).
My mother once told me “no one will look at you as adorningly as your baby”. Over the past two years as a mom myself, I have come to recognize this as a truthful and energizing statement. I love seeing the pure joy that I bring to my daughter’s face, without a snack or gift in hand. While this garners great satisfaction to my life, it also carries tremendous responsibility, some of which I want to avoid at times (think 4pm when I’ve entertained/coordinated her since 6:15am). However, I am still ultimately willing to give it, like all of the mothers in the photographs. 7/22/16
So, from the Washington Post are a series of black and white images and short captions depicting motherhood, or as the author puts it, “20 women with different stories, different paths to motherhood, different ways of being a mom.” Now that I write and reflect on this, I love how the women are described as just that – women, with “mom status” as one aspect of their important identities. This is exactly how modern moms yearn to be recognized, especially since we all have non-child related education, skills, talent and interest.
While the pictures are touching for anyone who identifies with the struggles and joys of being a mother (or even a parent), they are also celebratory of the various forms of motherhood, from pregnancy to single parenting to parenting a child with disabilities. In addition, the photos reflect mothers and children at various times and stages of life – from reading to small children to preparing to say goodbye before college. This was particularly impactful for me since I am currently unable to see the end of the infant/toddler stages of motherhood. But no matter how much I may wish the lack of sleep, spilled yogurt and potty-training days away, I know they will just be replaced with bigger problems such as driving and high-stakes testing. Ultimately when I look at these pictures, I am reminded that motherhood is a lifelong role and that every mother is just doing the best she knows how. She gives the most and best of herself as she can, every day. For me, that may mean the kids attend daycare for nine hours or eat three ice pops a day (on certain days).
My mother once told me “no one will look at you as adorningly as your baby”. Over the past two years as a mom myself, I have come to recognize this as a truthful and energizing statement. I love seeing the pure joy that I bring to my daughter’s face, without a snack or gift in hand. While this garners great satisfaction to my life, it also carries tremendous responsibility, some of which I want to avoid at times (think 4pm when I’ve entertained/coordinated her since 6:15am). However, I am still ultimately willing to give it, like all of the mothers in the photographs. 7/22/16
Pregnant Dinosaurs, oh my!
My stepson absolutely loves dinosaurs, so I hear about them all.day.long. Every.day. Admittedly, much of my artwork as a child also revolved around dinosaurs and other huge animals so I can’t even say this obsession is exclusive to boys (or in our cases, oldest children with wild imaginations). Imagine my giddy surprise when I recently came across this article about the existence of a pregnant Tyrannosaurus rex who lived a mere 68M years ago. While I will likely not follow this story (or even attempt to discuss it with a four year old), I applaud all our strides in science and offer well-wishes to those who will spend the rest of their lives studying fertility in these awesome creatures. While this topic is getting a lot of press because the T-rex was one of the largest and most feared dinosaurs, the article dutifully points out that fossils of other pregnant dinosaurs (including the Allosaurus and the Tenontosaurus) have already been found. 3/26/16
Parenting and Optimism
Need a feel-good article that demonstrates the power of parenting and optimism (and may offer the secret to your kids becoming mega millionaires)? Look no further than this recent one from Business Insider. The article is about John and Bert Jacobs, the two brothers that founded the Life is Good t-shirt empire. They state that despite their family’s troubles, their mother (Joan) remained an optimistic and happy woman and ensured her children remained the same. Every night, as they ate dinner, Joan asked the children to tell her something good that happened that day. The brothers write that focusing on the positive in their lives (and trying to out-with their siblings in this matter) became the best part of their day. The most telling quote from the article: “That optimism was something that our family always had, even when we had little else.”
This article really resonates with me for a few reasons. First, it is nice for a family to eat dinner together and have rituals since we all know kids thrive on routine. Second, how wonderful it was for Joan to be so upbeat in times of strife (her husband angry and disabled) and undoubtedly tired and stressed from having a bundle of offspring. And finally, this article shows once again, that children are always watching and learning from their parents. Even though Joan didn’t cut her sons a check for millions of dollars, she certainly inspired and helped them become the successful businessmen that they are. 12/30/15
This article really resonates with me for a few reasons. First, it is nice for a family to eat dinner together and have rituals since we all know kids thrive on routine. Second, how wonderful it was for Joan to be so upbeat in times of strife (her husband angry and disabled) and undoubtedly tired and stressed from having a bundle of offspring. And finally, this article shows once again, that children are always watching and learning from their parents. Even though Joan didn’t cut her sons a check for millions of dollars, she certainly inspired and helped them become the successful businessmen that they are. 12/30/15
Parents Without Partners
Yesterday, while researching another topic that I have already forgotten, I stumbled across this website: Parents Without Partners. I was so happy to come across this resource because I have found there is a severe lack of resources for stepparents (my basis of comparison), so I imagine it is the same case for single parents. PWP was founded in 1957 by two parents who felt marginalized by their other parent peers... Talk about trailblazing! The organization has grown to include chapters all over the US and Canada and aims to provide “single parents and their children with an opportunity for enhancing personal growth, self-confidence and sensitivity towards others by offering an environment for support, friendship and the exchange of parenting techniques.” In addition to holding annual conference, PWP facilitates education and family activities and adult/social recreational activities. The website also has a Resources section that can provide further guidance to single parents and all of us that want to support them. My hat is off to single parents because I know parenting with a partner is tremendously difficult, so without one must make it even more taxing. Bottom line, all parents and families need and deserve support. 11/21/15
Mother Graduates from US Army Ranger School
Major Major MAJOR congratulations to Army Major Lisa Jaster who graduated from US Army Ranger school last month. She overcome tremendous physical, mental and social challenges during the course because of her age (a "whopping" 37) and gender (female, first class every admitted into Ranger School) and earned the title of being the "first" to graduate with a variety of characteristics, one of which being... a mother. Yes, only the third woman to graduate from the grueling school and the first mother to wear the tab. Jaster described looking at her children's pictures during times of strife and while she longed to be with them, there was no way she would quit without finishing the school. Jaster also said "I want [my children] to know that their parents weren't afraid to try hard and do something more," which is a super inspiring quote and applicable to all parents that are simultaneously raising kids and working towards some kind of goal. I often feel like life would be so much easier if I abdicated all my ambitions for the next 10 years (presumably when I will be done with the infant/baby/little kid care), but then I snap back to reality. I like working, studying and doing activities without my kids. I also think that juggling commitments, responsibilities and passions shows children that their parents/role models are cool and interesting people, especially when they aren't packing the school lunches or driving the carpool. 11/17/15
World Preemie Day!
Today, November 17 is World Prematurity Day which aims to raise awareness on the causes of premature birth and the struggles/effects of premature births on babies, mothers and families. Here is the link to the March of Dimes page on this important day of recognition. I am so glad this event is calledWorld Prematurity Day (as opposed to National (as in only the US)) because it helps all of us realize that premature birth is a global issue. In the US, mothers and babies often have access to top medical care that can help preemies and their families get through those difficult first days, weeks and months, while sadly, women in other countries are not as a lucky. Prior to 2015, I was unaware of World Prematurity Day as a marked occasion, but the topic has always been extremely close to my heart. In the late 1980's, my brother was born at 26 weeks, 2 days and he stayed in the hospital for many weeks. Up until that point, my mother's pregnancy had been perfectly normal and then her water spontaneously broke. She was induced in the hospital and then gave birth to D, weighing about two pounds. She said this time of her life was extremely difficult because she did not know if D would survive, but she was also torn between spending time with him at the hospital and the other kid (me) at home. D did have a range of development delays but now is over 6' tall and a hard working, compassionate individual, as well as a skilled writer. So for all of you out there affected by & keen on World Prematurity Day, have a good one! 11/17/15
The Five Things Your Child Will Remember
When I think back about my own childhood and my parents' role in it, I remember them as extremely fun and reliable people who were interested in my safety and cognitive development. My dad did shift work, so when he was home, he was really "home" and my mom worked part-time as nurse. She held several different jobs depending on the ages of my siblings and I.
Now that I'm a parent, I often wonder what behavior my daughter notices and how/why she does what she does. There are such varying schools of thought on how children learn but every parent knows their kid simply does things that they have modeled for them... and not. My daughter for instance loves to climb on the coffee table and (more perilously) the kitchen table, which I have never shown her or allowed. She also dances to the tune of Jeopardy and can spend hours transferring rocks into a bucket and back into the driveway.
What makes me more curious however, is what I'm showing her about relationships, communication and dealing with emotions and feelings. This article from Patheos (recently re-printed in Time) lists five things that children remember about their parents... or how the parents act and function more specifically. While I agree that all five of these are important, #3 The way you interacted with your spouse and #5 Your family traditions really strike me as true.
Even though I think we're generally patient and kind people, husband and I try to be on our best behavior in front of our kids. When addressing the kids specifically, we try to use calm voices and explain what's happening or reason/teach about a situation, even though they are too young to understand. This is what I remember about my parents too - no yelling or cursing or deep, contentious discussions. (They probably did that after we went to bed.) We also aim to show love, helpfulness and generosity towards each other, which must be captured in short spurts because we are stretched thin for time together.
As for family traditions, a stable upbringing and large family in my case made holidays special, memorable and joyous and very busy! I can probably tell you what I did for each holiday throughout my child hood because we repeated how we celebrated from year to year. However, I imagine (and hope) that families of different sizes and dynamics have equally as wonderful of memories.
The take away from the article is that children are always watching and absorb all of our behaviors and attitudes, especially in their younger years. (And I mean children watch and learn from all adults, not just their parents.) But what kids keep with them are their memories and experiences regarding the big issues that I mentioned earlier, not how quickly the laundry got done or how clean the grout between the tiles was. Now get off the computer and go give your kids some individual attention - point #2. 11/7/15
Now that I'm a parent, I often wonder what behavior my daughter notices and how/why she does what she does. There are such varying schools of thought on how children learn but every parent knows their kid simply does things that they have modeled for them... and not. My daughter for instance loves to climb on the coffee table and (more perilously) the kitchen table, which I have never shown her or allowed. She also dances to the tune of Jeopardy and can spend hours transferring rocks into a bucket and back into the driveway.
What makes me more curious however, is what I'm showing her about relationships, communication and dealing with emotions and feelings. This article from Patheos (recently re-printed in Time) lists five things that children remember about their parents... or how the parents act and function more specifically. While I agree that all five of these are important, #3 The way you interacted with your spouse and #5 Your family traditions really strike me as true.
Even though I think we're generally patient and kind people, husband and I try to be on our best behavior in front of our kids. When addressing the kids specifically, we try to use calm voices and explain what's happening or reason/teach about a situation, even though they are too young to understand. This is what I remember about my parents too - no yelling or cursing or deep, contentious discussions. (They probably did that after we went to bed.) We also aim to show love, helpfulness and generosity towards each other, which must be captured in short spurts because we are stretched thin for time together.
As for family traditions, a stable upbringing and large family in my case made holidays special, memorable and joyous and very busy! I can probably tell you what I did for each holiday throughout my child hood because we repeated how we celebrated from year to year. However, I imagine (and hope) that families of different sizes and dynamics have equally as wonderful of memories.
The take away from the article is that children are always watching and absorb all of our behaviors and attitudes, especially in their younger years. (And I mean children watch and learn from all adults, not just their parents.) But what kids keep with them are their memories and experiences regarding the big issues that I mentioned earlier, not how quickly the laundry got done or how clean the grout between the tiles was. Now get off the computer and go give your kids some individual attention - point #2. 11/7/15
China Scraps One Child Policy
Even though I have only one child, I cannot imagine living in a country in which the government regulates how many children a couple may rear. So even though I feel like this article doesn't personally affect me, I wanted to post it because it dramatically shifts the face of parenthood in China, a world-wide power. In the past, married Chinese couples were only allowed to have one child, for many reasons that the government deemed to make sense to China. However, the news yesterday was that couples can now have two children, mostly to ensure growth of their economy in the coming decades. The article is interesting because it discusses policy that is completely foreign to me (love learning things before 8am) but there are also interviews with Chinese parents for their reactions. Many of the parents/interviewees described feeling that they wanted more children, or that the relax in policy is a good thing. However, many also said despite the shift, they would not have more children because of the tremendous expense of raising kids there. I really can't comment on the economics and price tag of raising children in China, but I am glad Chinese families seem to have more flexibility in the size of their family and that perhaps infanticide/violence against infant girls will decrease. 10/30/15
Help with Allergies
Last night, while researching disabilities for a school project, I came across this great website, called FARE. The acronym stands for Food Allergy Research Education and this organization "works on behalf of the 15 million Americans with food allergies, including all those at risk for life-threatening anaphylaxis." This website offers an overabundance of information relating to food allergies, such as management techniques, testing and diagnoses and education and advocacy... all based on actual research. After only a quick glance, this website feels very personal - and I don't feel/say this often. My favorite sections are the resources for schools and college students, because those are settings in which parents cannot be there protecting their kids, regardless of how much they might want to. I also love the vignettes from individuals that have helped change the food industry by building awareness of the dangers of allergens.
I find this website very comforting because it reminds parents, whether their kids have food allergies or not, that they are not alone in their worry. I remember intensely fretting over when to introduce peanut butter to my daughter. At the age of 15 months, she did fine and occasionally eats it now. She did have a slight reaction eggs, however. Her neck and cheeks turned bright red and she cried when we pried the scrambled eggs from her tight fists. I had this same allergy as a child and I hope EJ outgrows it like I did. If not, scrambled eggs seems like an easy-enough food to avoid during a lifetime, but other parents are not so lucky. As a community we should all take reasonable courses of action and yes, make small sacrifices to protect those individuals with life-threatening conditions. 10/21/15
I find this website very comforting because it reminds parents, whether their kids have food allergies or not, that they are not alone in their worry. I remember intensely fretting over when to introduce peanut butter to my daughter. At the age of 15 months, she did fine and occasionally eats it now. She did have a slight reaction eggs, however. Her neck and cheeks turned bright red and she cried when we pried the scrambled eggs from her tight fists. I had this same allergy as a child and I hope EJ outgrows it like I did. If not, scrambled eggs seems like an easy-enough food to avoid during a lifetime, but other parents are not so lucky. As a community we should all take reasonable courses of action and yes, make small sacrifices to protect those individuals with life-threatening conditions. 10/21/15
Running While Pregnant
Like many other active women, I often wondered about the benefits and safety of running while I was pregnant. Upon researching the topic, I struggled to find credible information and advice, which made me wonder if I was harming the baby. During my pregnancy I lived in Hawaii, so the weather was always gorgeous and there was an abundance of outside activities. I walked nearly everyday, jogged occasionally and ran infrequently. As a coach for Girls on the Run, I supervised an elementary school girls' running team and I occasionally tried to keep up with them.
A lot of misconceptions exist about running while pregnant because it is such a personal experience and activity. It also covers a long length of time - whether you've ever been pregnant or not, you can imagine exercising at 8 weeks pregnant is different than 38 weeks. For one woman "running" comes at a completely different pace and level of effort than for another. If one woman "wogs" (walks/jogs) an entire marathon, while this is impressive, I do not consider it running. This article from Active takes a nice position in that it discusses that pregnant women should be aware of their heart rate during exercise instead of the label of an activity. This is a great perspective because it is more dependent on the health of the individual woman. Obviously it is important to be active and fit during all ages and stages of life, so pregnant women should not shy away from exercising in whatever capacity is appropriate for them. For some of us, that may include moderate aerobic exercise, like running, while for others, it may mean lifting weights or yoga. 10/16/15
A lot of misconceptions exist about running while pregnant because it is such a personal experience and activity. It also covers a long length of time - whether you've ever been pregnant or not, you can imagine exercising at 8 weeks pregnant is different than 38 weeks. For one woman "running" comes at a completely different pace and level of effort than for another. If one woman "wogs" (walks/jogs) an entire marathon, while this is impressive, I do not consider it running. This article from Active takes a nice position in that it discusses that pregnant women should be aware of their heart rate during exercise instead of the label of an activity. This is a great perspective because it is more dependent on the health of the individual woman. Obviously it is important to be active and fit during all ages and stages of life, so pregnant women should not shy away from exercising in whatever capacity is appropriate for them. For some of us, that may include moderate aerobic exercise, like running, while for others, it may mean lifting weights or yoga. 10/16/15
Hayden Panettiere PPD follow-up
First I thought Hayden P. was pretty awesome (at 26 years old) for discussing her battle with PPD on national TV. Now, she's jolted to super stardom in my book because she's actually seeking help for PPD... and not hiding it! While she herself hasn't made a statement about her condition or entering a rehab facility, her "rep" did earlier today. Hayden, even though we don't know each other, I want to thank you for seeking treatment to make yourself feel better, which will in turn make you a better parent and partner. Also, thank you for being so honest about your condition, which will inspire other women to learn about the PPD (like me) and get help if needed. There should be no stigma for asking for help no matter what your issue is in life, including PPD. 10/14/15
Be Good to Every Child on the Field
Okay so we have all witnessed overly enthusiastic parents and fans whose emotions and self-worth are WAY too wrapped up in what is happening on the sports field or court, right? Some of us have been unlucky enough to sit beside them for a game, or an entire season... Spectators get the idea that this type of behavior is acceptable because that is what is usually seen in sports broadcast on TV: hockey, baseball and football. The negative statements and gestures largely get lost in a huge venue, background music and sea of fans cheering, otherwise acting appropriately.
In the case of high school sports, particularly those played in inside and in close-quarters (volleyball), the negativity isn't just washed away. This recent essay details how a high school student voluntarily worked the scoreboard for a JV volleyball game and made a simple mistake - marked a score for the opposite team. The reaction from the parents from her own school was instantaneous and piercing: screaming and berating. The teenager, ended up crying and let's face it, likely doesn't want to volunteer at the JV volleyball game anymore.
The essay ends with the question: "How can we expect kids to respect their peers and elders when the adults overseeing them can’t show them the same respect they seek?" I'd like every parent/spectator to consider this and answer it. Let's agree to cheer, spread positivity and feel grateful enough that our kids are healthy and confident enough to play sports... or work the scoreboard. 10/13/15
In the case of high school sports, particularly those played in inside and in close-quarters (volleyball), the negativity isn't just washed away. This recent essay details how a high school student voluntarily worked the scoreboard for a JV volleyball game and made a simple mistake - marked a score for the opposite team. The reaction from the parents from her own school was instantaneous and piercing: screaming and berating. The teenager, ended up crying and let's face it, likely doesn't want to volunteer at the JV volleyball game anymore.
The essay ends with the question: "How can we expect kids to respect their peers and elders when the adults overseeing them can’t show them the same respect they seek?" I'd like every parent/spectator to consider this and answer it. Let's agree to cheer, spread positivity and feel grateful enough that our kids are healthy and confident enough to play sports... or work the scoreboard. 10/13/15
Zero to Three
This website about the world's youngest people has so much content that you could spend weeks reading it. It contains information about infant & little kid behaviors, sleep patterns, mental & nutritional health, language development, etc. They also offer a free monthly parenting newsletter called From Baby to Big Kid.
Zero to Three also advocates for children's rights and developmental needs. According to the website: "The ZERO TO THREE Policy Center is a nonpartisan, research-based resource for federal and state policymakers and advocates on the unique developmental needs of infants and toddlers... Our agenda is simple: The ZERO TO THREE Policy Center promotes good health, strong families, and positive early learning experiences for all infants and toddlers, with special emphasis on those who are the most vulnerable and in need. The Policy Center advances public policy solutions and investments for the health and development of very young children and their families."
Finally, you can browse state baby facts against national averages here. A quick glance revealed that 67% of New Jersey infants have mothers in the labor force (62% national) and 72% of two year olds are fully vaccinated (73% national). Enjoy browsing for your state! 10/4/15
Zero to Three also advocates for children's rights and developmental needs. According to the website: "The ZERO TO THREE Policy Center is a nonpartisan, research-based resource for federal and state policymakers and advocates on the unique developmental needs of infants and toddlers... Our agenda is simple: The ZERO TO THREE Policy Center promotes good health, strong families, and positive early learning experiences for all infants and toddlers, with special emphasis on those who are the most vulnerable and in need. The Policy Center advances public policy solutions and investments for the health and development of very young children and their families."
Finally, you can browse state baby facts against national averages here. A quick glance revealed that 67% of New Jersey infants have mothers in the labor force (62% national) and 72% of two year olds are fully vaccinated (73% national). Enjoy browsing for your state! 10/4/15
Hundred Times the Difference Photographs
Here is a beautiful series of photographs by Moa Karlberg depicting women in the late stages of labor. What makes this collection so intriguing is that mothers come from two distinct settings: Sweden, with one of the world's lowest maternal mortality rates and Tanzania, with one of the world's highest. The settings are presented in alternating order, first Sweden and then Tanzania, so each time the viewer is shocked by the overabundance of resources in one picture and the lack thereof in the next. Regardless of the location, the expressions on the women's faces are quite similar: pain and wonder while in that awful yet joyous place between pregnancy and motherhood. 10/1/15
Help for PPD
First, hat's off to new mom, twenty-six year old Hayden Panettiere for recently discussing postpartum depression on Live! with Kelly and Michael. I was so happy to stumble upon this interview because a good friend of mine recently revealed too she has suffered/is suffering from PPD. Friend's confession surprised me because 1) she seemed to make it without reservation or shame (which I was so proud of), 2) she never "seemed" anything but happy and easy-going all the times that I saw her, and 3) she had PPD with kids #2 , and now with #4. As you can tell, my responses & assumptions about Friend & PPD reveal how little I actually know about this condition.
Hayden so wonderfully states that the array of feelings and thoughts with PPD can vary widely and that the entire condition needs to be talked about in mainstream society. While quickly researching this topic, I found this article from The Atlantic that reminds us that men and adoptive parents can also experience PPD. Finally, here is a link to The Postpartum Stress Center, which provides resources and information for those interested in learning more about PPD and helping those who are affected by it. As the TPSC website says, expect good things to happen. 9/29/15
Hayden so wonderfully states that the array of feelings and thoughts with PPD can vary widely and that the entire condition needs to be talked about in mainstream society. While quickly researching this topic, I found this article from The Atlantic that reminds us that men and adoptive parents can also experience PPD. Finally, here is a link to The Postpartum Stress Center, which provides resources and information for those interested in learning more about PPD and helping those who are affected by it. As the TPSC website says, expect good things to happen. 9/29/15
Circle of Security
The Circle of Security International is an organization that studies attachment between parents and children and offers information about how parents and children can improve their relationships with one another, even if they are already good/strong. This video discusses the "circle graphic" that can help parents identify their child's attachment needs, including the freedom to safely explore the world around them and the knowledge that caregivers/parents will "be there" during times of confusion, pain and duress. Caregivers are encouraged to be bigger, wiser, stronger and kind in order to best fill their child's "emotional cup". 9/25/15
Raising Includers
This is such a beautiful yet painful post from Lisa McCohran detailing her experience of being excluded by "friends" as a child, but also, how her pain was intensified when her daughter (aged four) experienced something similar recently. She writes about how important is it for parents of girls to teach them to be proud and compassionate and to support them when they seem completely alone in the world. Very touching, nice work Lisa! (And yes, I also have memories of dreading lunch in every school I attended.) 9/23/15